Here’s a little warning. Following your heart comes with great responsibility. From a young age we’ve learned to do things that we don’t really want to do, but do them anyway because it’s expected from us.

Throughout the years, we become this numbed down version of ourselves. I quit my job in the Netherlands to travel in South East Asia, then I started teaching abroad, then I quit my job again to follow my love and yearning for more music in my life.

As soon as you choose to follow your heart, a shift inside you starts happening. You are no longer able to do the things that don’t resonate, because your heart will simply tell you: ‘This isn’t YOU! Go this way, go the other way.’ You might even have to disappoint some people, because you are simply not living up to their expectations. What would they say? What will happen? Yes, perfect. Wonder about these things and realize something is awakening within you. If you wonder about these things, it only means your heart is speaking you into doing something bold. Eventually, if you listen, you’ll find out it’s like landing on a soft bed with feathers, it was never as frightening as you thought it would be in the first place. It comes with a tremendous reward. You’ll feel more alive, more aligned, more excitement, more YOU. Let go of any idea, any plan, it’s never going to work out the way you thought it would. The universe has made a plan for you. All you have to do is give in. Your life will be more of an organic flow, instead of a fully planned agenda. Let the uncertainty excite you. Start living on the edge.

ON THE EDGE – LIVE ACOUSTIC

From Bangkok to Laos, back to Bangkok again, after a long and draining trip, we finally had arrived in India. It was my third time visiting. She keeps calling me back. This time not with a very warm welcome; the ATMs were only giving thirty euro’s per transaction because India had decided to change the bills. We could only just make it to Goa with the money we had. We slept in the most horrible hotel, but finally, we had arrived in our ocean-facing, bright red, home away from home on Arambol Beach, Goa.

Last night’s gig in Twice in Nature was truly magical. Ambient music mixed with danceable tunes. People were relaxing on the pillows, with closed eyes, smoking a J. Warm sounds, synths, flutes and effects filled the place and the hearts of the crowd. The beat came in. With all eyes staring at me, I regained full trust on my own ability to grab the right notes and improvise. I made love to the music with my voice. My body was moving easily. I was in the zone. It didn’t take long for the whole crowd to stand up and move with me and the DJ, the music, in ecstasy.

I was behind my computer the next day, editing some videos from last night’s gig. My FB Messenger was overloaded with musicians, videographers, producers wanting to work together. Deciding with whom and how I was going to do this, I didn’t know. I was a bit overwhelmed. At least my mother was here for any advice, which she loves to give by the way.

I walked towards the balcony and a young man walked by in his red robe. He looked up to where I was standing. I smiled at him and said: “Hello.”

“Hi! I was actually planning to live in this house, but now you are living here. This was my house last year…” as he pointed up with a disappointed face and half a smile. Without thinking I said: “So sorry to hear! Why don’t you come up and enjoy the view anyway?” -“Sure, why not, I can make some masala chai tea!” he replied. Then I realized: “Oh shit, I just invited a random Indian guy in a red robe into my house. Why did I do that? Maybe he won’t be coming up anyway…”

But he did. He walked up the stairs, with different jars in his hands with all the ingredients to prepare the tea. I felt a little uncomfortable: “Hi, welcome!” with a hand gesture into the house. I said it to soothe my own and his feelings. I received a handful of chocolate treats. “Thank you! I’m a chocolate lover, how did you know?” He smiled in response. He seemed like a nice guy. Probably the long red robe made him seem trustworthy.

“Wow, so many jars!” I said. -“Yes, it’s my mom’s best Masala chai.”
I walked him into the house and into the kitchen. My mother walked towards the kitchen and greeted him too. He quietly prepared his tea and gently placed it on the table of our living room. Our living room had big glass doors, they were always open. White curtains dancing in the air, a gorgeous view on Arambol beach and the ocean. A sunset I’ve never seen in my life before and I have seen many. Here in India, the sunset had something more powerful about it. Just the color of the orangey, red sun was mesmerizing on its own.

“I did a gig last night and right now I’m editing the video, would you like to see it?” -“Sure” he said, and sat down in the living room after preparing the tea. He looked at the screen and then closed his eyes. When the video was done he said: “I love it!” I could see by his expression he was very excited, he had a twinkle in his eyes. He truly meant what he expressed. He said that he could help me with my music. “I have a very big business online” he claimed. I’m a complete technical loser, so the universe had heard my calls and sent me an online genius! He showed me his Facebook page and business card. The page had over two million followers. I was willing to see where it would take me. I signed a contract before and had spent months of talking to someone who promised me the world. Trusting someone had become more difficult after this experience, I won’t deny. The man in the red robe “A”, I will call him from now on, had left a good impression on me that day. Although there was something about him, I couldn’t put my finger on it.

At 17, I had to decide what I wanted to become, for the rest of my life. How was I going to do that? I didn’t even know who I was. I wanted to become a singer, but I already knew I wasn’t the only one. The music school didn’t take my audition, in X-factor me and my brother got through 3 rounds. That was that. Society told me I couldn’t. My heart knew that children’s energy and creativity is always good, my heart also knew that this way of educating and living was not for me. It was too planned, too set, too structured, the children wanted to break free, I wanted to break free! How were we going to function in world where we couldn’t even just BE?

SO MUCH MORE – LIVE ACOUSTIC

“I didn’t pick you because you sing so well…” the producer said to me, during one of our many Skype meetings. We also had to keep my age a secret because “27 is too old to become a star.” My mother overheard this, and according to her this was violent communication; violent, because it hurts. After an intense discussion via Skype, the contract ended.

I gathered my strength and decided to do it myself. I released my first song and video with the help of four friends. As soon as I chose music, the stars aligned and made a dream come true, almost immediately. I had always pretended to be in one, singing and dancing in front of the mirror when I was a little girl.

Soon after the release of the video, my mother advised me to quit my teaching job in Thailand. She told me to travel to India, to continue with my music there. It seemed like a good idea, but I was also a little hesitant. I loved my dream life in Thailand, I loved being a teacher. Saying goodbye to the kids was very difficult.

I needed to feel safe to take the next step. I’m not talking about financial safety. I’ve always had my own money and savings. I meant mental and emotional safety. I felt that I needed my mother, her comforting words and all the knowledge she has about spirituality. I was more open to follow this path. My soul needed to be nurtured by motherly love and even celibacy. It was time to step away from the life with no boundaries, to go on a journey deeper into myself. India seemed like the perfect place to do this. I went along with it, for the sake of music and to start a brand new chapter.

Introduction:

This is not your regular travel blog. You will not read about the best places to go or what kind of food to eat. This is a journey. This is an inner journey, a journey of expansion, of diving into the moment, of surrender, of letting go. A journey of waking up to the lie I was told to live.

We all want to feel good. We all want to be free from all the conditioning. How to do it? How to shut down the mind and follow your bliss? How do you listen to the soft whispers of your heart and stand in your own strength? I will share with you my intimate healing journey of discovering meditation and tantra and following whatever excites me.

I used to look at myself in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I was praying that I’d be beautiful one day. My voice trembled when I sang. My whole posture showed many years of talking down to myself. My neck and shoulders were hurting from the feeling of unworthiness. I didn’t realize this was only my imagination, the dream I had created.

This journey starts the moment I set foot in India. I discovered the healing capacities of my body and my mind. Together with music I entered the unknown. The words entered as I started to listen to the silent whispers from within.

All of my fears and insecurities were so strong most of my life. I was never able to express the true voice that I am. But now I’m ready. I don’t give a fuck anymore what anyone thinks of me. My voice is ready, I’m ready. I’m here on a mission, to express my true self so you can see that we are one. I’ve chosen to take you on this journey without a face, only my voice, so you will not be distracted by the false appearance of my face, my body, which is not me. May my voice be heard not with your mind, but with your heart.

1.        Do What You Love

The moment I left home at 18 and 5 years later, when I booked a one-way ticket to Bangkok Thailand, I decided to enjoy my freedom. My heart was always beating loudly to the rhythms of working life and structure, an unpleasant feeling. Now, it’s MY life, nothing to hold on to; no mortgage, marriage, children, no studies, only freedom. I love my freedom. Who are you to take it from me? Who am I to take it from someone else? The younger generation is creating bigger gaps in life. We postpone marriage and having children. Many of us decide to study and then travel to enjoy our twenty’s. Times are changing. We take time to discover ourselves, what we love to do in life. It’s a great progress. It’s never too late. My mother started travelling as soon as her children had left home. Then, we realize that we don’t want to “get stuck.”  The freedom we first taste is something so precious, that we want more of it, we want it always. We can’t forget it.

“This is the one!” Excited to start creating again, I took my new black travel guitar home. Home was Thailand, a beautiful apartment with a pool and a bike to ride. I was teaching English to cute little Thai kids, and after work it was time for sundowners on the beach.

I didn’t write any new songs in almost three years, and I was getting the itch again. I started writing down the words that were stuck in my head since the night before; memories of traveling around Thailand and Asia. Teaching, eating, loving, beaching and “Do What You Love” was born.

DO WHAT YOU LOVE – LIVE ACOUSTIC

From that moment the tone was set, wherever it was going to take me. The adventures gave me new inspiration and guided me to listen closer to the desires of my heart. It was almost three years of living abroad in Thailand. I was single, happy and living the dream. My mindset when I started traveling, and even before that moment, was: ‘If it’s not the one, I’m not settling.’ It got very serious twice, and twice my heart was broken. I’d fallen in love too hard. I started wondering: Why is it that the moment I fall in love, it falls apart?

When it came to love and traveling… it never lasted. It was energy connecting and disconnecting again. We’d share the most intimate moments together and then… nothing. We leave each other be, with wonderful memories to take home with us, wherever home may be. We’d have some quick words through messenger or a skype call, every once in a while. “Yeah we’ll meet again, sure.” Travelers live freely, so letting go becomes so easy. If we do see each other again, amazing! If not, it’s all good too.

I thought I found a good looking young man, who’s passionate about life and work. Someone who has his shit together, a healthy mindset and is open to spirituality. As a 27 year old woman you unintentionally criticize men on being able to maintain a healthy relationship, and be a good father too. I received a brief message through Messenger, in which he told me it wasn’t going to work out. A week later I discover that he was seeing someone else. I wrote a song called “Goodbye” and quickly moved on from my last heart-break.

GOODBYE – LIVE ACOUSTIC

Together with my new black travel guitar, I decided to completely immerse myself in my love for music. Shortly after, I received a message on Youtube from a producer from the USA, saying he was interested in helping me with my singing career. We started doing singing lessons twice a week and we had several skype sessions which included going through my own written songs and some of his. He said: “you’ll have to start seeing yourself as a product.” So we decided on the look and the vibes. I asked my mother to fly over to Thailand to support me during this time, she was in India. With no hesitation, she immediately flew over. I signed the contract with the producer, that same night Prince passed away. I was ready to completely surrender to Do What I Love. Write music, travel, create and inspire others to get out of their comfort zone and follow their hearts and their dreams. I did not see myself as a product, but as a soul that wanted to express. In that expression show others the amazing possibilities of life and creation.