The red beach house was getting busy with producers, my friend who came for a visit, “A”, my mom walking in and out. All around me people offered amazing opportunities: “You will travel, do shows and sing beautiful mantras! People will admire you like a Goddess.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sing mantras. I did know that I wanted to sing my own songs. They’re my own healing words. My own mantra’s turned into catchy tunes guided by my guitar. No promises made, we did another gig together, hoping to create the same magic from the other night.
“A”, the guy in the red robe who had intentions of working together too went and came along with us. He brought three cameras and some friends to record the gig professionally. I started singing and improvising, welcoming the people in Organic Vibes and giving the producer a shout-out. It was not good enough for him. He turned my vocal down and hissed: “sssht, sing something else.” I could tell by the look on his face he was irritated. “A” was there, filming right in front of the stage. I tried to make a straight face and smile but it felt unnatural. “A” and my mom could see what was happening. I was out of the zone. I was thinking too much about what I should sing instead of easing into it. Then, after a few minutes of improvising, he told me that he would take it over from here. “Should I leave the stage then?” He lifted his shoulders: “whatever.” I left the stage. I sat down next to “A” and my mother after a few minutes of awkwardness. My stomach hurt, I was upset. “A” and my mother looked at me said: “Let’s go, you don’t deserve this.” Millions of thoughts crossed my mind: what about the people that I had asked to come? What about him and the songs, the plans we might have with the music? What about all the people that are here now and are expecting me to sing? I tapped into my own feelings and realized that I was upset by the situation and singing from my toes was going to be a challenge. “Yes, you are right, let’s go.” People were asking: “where are you going?” -“I don’t feel like singing anymore” I said and walked out. I felt upset and powerful at the same time.
This was just a start of me listening to my own feelings, deciding where I put my energy into and if it feels wrong, I walk away. Then it wasn’t meant to be. Many times I have been swimming upstream, just because I wanted to prove myself to others or was too focused on what they want or think. I don’t have to convince anyone. The only one I need to convince is me. I felt I had found my two guardian Angels protecting me, showing me the way, by telling me to leave the place. Me and my two guardian Angels went partying and dancing on techno the rest of the night.
My body was giving clear signs of tiredness. I decided to talk to my mother and told her I needed space. This house was like a train-carriage, four rooms in a row, with no hallway. It was impossible to lock your door and be alone. We were arguing more. For many years I’ve lived a free life, unattached to people and places. I valued my own sacred space where I could just be alone and create. It was only until now I realized how important that is for me.
After a few days I was feeling much better. I invited everyone for a Christmas breakfast. I did some shopping and made an invite with a Ganesh and Jesus drawing saying: “Invitation for a special Christmas breakfast at the red beach house. All Gods are invited.” The table was almost set for breakfast with the ocean and our new team. “K”, “A”s friend joined us, strange guy, constantly talking. “A” wanted us to meet because “K” also wanted to help us with the music. We all sat down and feasted. “A” was wearing a button saying: “In Silence.” My mind said: weirdo. My heart said: interesting… Throughout the whole breakfast he was silently eating and watching. It must be nice to have a reason not to talk, I thought. I sometimes also don’t feel like doing the effort all the time. In silence you are more aware of everything else. Words are just words. We connected, it was a beautiful morning.
In the red beach house, I went to the beach alone a couple of times. I had learned a new thing. Something I had done before. This time it felt different. This new thing brought me many new experiences, to the extent of tantra, raising consciousness, more awareness and loving myself more. MEDITATION, it helped me grow and understand many things at that time.My body was giving signs of distress and I didn’t understand. When a rash started appearing on my body I decided to meditate during the sunset. I focused on my breath, felt the warmth of the setting sun on my skin and watched my thoughts. Many thoughts were coming and passing, about my mother, the music and my love life.
All the answers were; listen to your heart and your feelings. When I went back on watching my breath, I felt intense calmness in my body and mind. My heart was slowing down. This was the first time I experienced a light moving through my body. It was like my soul was saying: “thank you for breathing.”